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If you’ve opened this link on your browser, then we likely have two things in common: We both like Bill Simmons, but we both think his writing is just a little too “long-winded.” In this inaugural attempt to get the “Best of Bill Simmons” out there, I’ve read his latest article entirely and distilled it down to only its pure brilliance. What follows are the highlights of this Friday’s piece without any of the meandering preamble.
(For those of you still confused, “TL;DR” is Internet-speak for “Too Long, Didn’t Read,” and “Bill Simmons” is one of the greatest writers still living)
Bill Simmons’ original article may be found here.
Simmons Hands Out NBA Playoff Awards
There are three award nominees that keep you from moving straight to the mailbag:
1.) The Game of Thrones Award for Most Enjoyable Viewing Experience
Simmons talks about the absurd Blake Griffin dunks from the Los Angeles Clippers/San Antonio Spurs series, which can be better served by these three vines:
2.) The Josh Smith Award For Biggest Cancer in Round 1
Which of course, is awarded to Josh Smith.
3.) The Roger Goodell Award For Biggest Hypocrite
Simmons nominates himself, why? I’ll let BS take it from here “See, I absolutely LOVED the Rondo trade for Dallas and though he was a semi-shell of himself in Boston only because he was playing possum. I haven’t misfired like that since… oh, wait, I’m wrong all the time. On the bright side, we finally got to watch an NBA star carry himself in playoff games with the exact same enthusiasm as a divorced dad ringing the doorbell of his ex-wife’s house.”
Textbook Simmons.
Before the awards are through, Simmons tosses in this classic “Dumb and Dumber” clip:
On To The Mailbag With Only The ‘Best of the Bag’
Here are the best Simmons’ Q&A’s:
Q: The year Tim Duncan made his NBA debut, “Seinfeld” was still on the air, Bill Clinton was still having “sexual relations” with Monica Lewinsky, “The English Patient” won the Oscar, Spice Girls had the top selling album, Google didn’t exist and I didn’t know how to masturbate yet (side note: I’m 30 now). Damn.
— Alex V
BS: And I was a single bartender writing [a column for $300 per week] for a website that could only be accessed by people with AOL accounts. On the bright side, I DID know how to masturbate. Wait a second, how the hell did you pull me into Weirdoville? Get me out of here!
Q: Did you know James Dolan was a disaster expert? Is it just me or is this hilarious???
— Dustin, Santa Barbara
BS: Everyone reading this column has one week to trump The Other James Dolan is a disaster expert in a new game that we’ll call “Find someone who has the exact same name as a celebrity, but also has a ridiculous job that somehow ties into how ridiculous the celebrity is.” (Cut to thousands of people Googling “Roger Goodell, sewage specialist.”)
Q: Did Nikola Mirotic win this year’s Peja Stojakovic Award for the player with the most obvious body waxing?
—Mike, Oklahoma City
BS: By a landslide. We canceled the vote. He also won the “NBA Player Who Easily Could Have Appeared On a Mumblecore Movie Poster” award.
… And that’s the best of Simmons from this Friday —hopefully this “brief run-through” wasn’t too long either.
Till next time, Ranters!
Jerry Landry is a writer for www.RantSports.com. Follow Jerry on Twitter at @Jerry2Landry, “Like” him on Facebook or add him on Google.
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