Ranking The 2015 Kentucky Derby Horses By Their Names

Nine out of 10 people viewing Saturday’s Kentucky Derby will be unable to name nine unique things about horse racing. But that’s okay, because if your future offspring’s college fund isn’t resting on a shady Saturday wager, you can sit back and just enjoy the derby. For me, the most enjoyable part of watching horse racing once-a-year centers around the crazy names given to the horses that race so hard and have no idea why. So until the race grabs your attention, let’s focus on the appellated pageantry and ask ‘what’s in a name?’ by ranking the field by their informal, yet official titles.

Ranking The 2015 Kentucky Derby Horses By Their Names

Nine out of 10 people viewing Saturday’s Kentucky Derby will be unable to name nine unique things about horse racing. But that’s okay, because if your future offspring’s college fund isn’t resting on a shady Saturday wager, you can sit back and just enjoy the derby. For me, the most enjoyable part of watching horse racing once-a-year centers around the crazy names given to the horses that race so hard and have no idea why. So until the race grabs your attention, let’s focus on the appellated pageantry and ask ‘what’s in a name?’ by ranking the field by their informal, yet official titles.

19. Bolo

Was this horse named after a tie that Philip Rivers would wear to a Garth Brooks concert? Oh Bolo, you’ll get last place and like it!

19. Bolo

Was this horse named after a tie that Philip Rivers would wear to a Garth Brooks concert? Oh Bolo, you’ll get last place and like it!

18. American Pharoah

I’m not sure if the misspelling of ‘Pharaoh’ is intentional or involuntary, but it will cost this name crucial power points in my final subjective rankings.

18. American Pharoah

I’m not sure if the misspelling of ‘Pharaoh’ is intentional or involuntary, but it will cost this name crucial power points in my final subjective rankings.

17. Materiality

Materiality means “consisting of matter.” Yet, this name means nothing to me.

17. Materiality

Materiality means “consisting of matter.” Yet, this name means nothing to me.

16. Upstart

Wow, where’d you find this gem, the generic name store? I'm usually a fan of concise titles, but the blah factor behind this name keeps 'Upstart' downtrodden.

16. Upstart

Wow, where’d you find this gem, the generic name store? I'm usually a fan of concise titles, but the blah factor behind this name keeps 'Upstart' downtrodden.

15. Firing Line

This is a morbid, inhumane, reprehensible, incorrigible, offensive and uncivil name... but it’s still better than ‘Upstart.’

15. Firing Line

This is a morbid, inhumane, reprehensible, incorrigible, offensive and uncivil name... but it’s still better than ‘Upstart.’

14. Far Right

Not to inject my political views or anything, but ‘Far Right’ is ‘Far Wrong,’ even if it’s meant to imply a concept in horse racing.

14. Far Right

Not to inject my political views or anything, but ‘Far Right’ is ‘Far Wrong,’ even if it’s meant to imply a concept in horse racing.

13. Carpe Diem

If the Kentucky Derby is the day you’d like to seize, then what about the Preakness or Belmont? You need to be more specific. C'mon Carpe Diem, seize the name!

13. Carpe Diem

If the Kentucky Derby is the day you’d like to seize, then what about the Preakness or Belmont? You need to be more specific. C'mon Carpe Diem, seize the name!

12. International Star

Well isn’t this presumptuous? Nothing like announcing to the world how great you are before not accomplishing anything.

12. International Star

Well isn’t this presumptuous? Nothing like announcing to the world how great you are before not accomplishing anything.

11. Tencendur

This name might’ve been constructed through Internet cat-speak, but I’ll oblige.

11. Tencendur

This name might’ve been constructed through Internet cat-speak, but I’ll oblige.

10. Frosted

A simple name and if this were Roger Clemens’ bleached hairdo from 1998, it’d be elegant too. Good enough for No. 10 in my book… of horse names.

10. Frosted

A simple name and if this were Roger Clemens’ bleached hairdo from 1998, it’d be elegant too. Good enough for No. 10 in my book… of horse names.

9. El Kabeir

El Kabeir is a name that reminds me of the guy everybody likes. Not too high, not too low, never obnoxious and always listening. Spanish for “The Kabeir!”

9. El Kabeir

El Kabeir is a name that reminds me of the guy everybody likes. Not too high, not too low, never obnoxious and always listening. Spanish for “The Kabeir!”

8. Dortmund

I believe Dortmund is most famously known as a city in Germany and if you’re willing to believe me, you’re also willing to believe that I once drove a friend’s Volkswagen and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I’m totally going to let my heart guide this decision combined with my love for German horsepower.

8. Dortmund

I believe Dortmund is most famously known as a city in Germany and if you’re willing to believe me, you’re also willing to believe that I once drove a friend’s Volkswagen and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I’m totally going to let my heart guide this decision combined with my love for German horsepower.

7. Danzig Moon

For those of you who don’t get enough metal in your diet and are unaware of Danzig, go right now to YouTube and search ‘Danzig: Mother.’

I’m glad I could change your life today.

7. Danzig Moon

For those of you who don’t get enough metal in your diet and are unaware of Danzig, go right now to YouTube and search ‘Danzig: Mother.’

I’m glad I could change your life today.

6. Itsaknockout

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, we’ll just have to see Saturday. For now, this name has a slight ring but not quite the winning edge.

6. Itsaknockout

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, we’ll just have to see Saturday. For now, this name has a slight ring but not quite the winning edge.

5. Mr Z

Succinct, yet humble and that’s why I like it. Dr. Z is way too pretentious and we shouldn’t have to stomach hearing about another horse’s purported accolades.

5. Mr Z

Succinct, yet humble and that’s why I like it. Dr. Z is way too pretentious and we shouldn’t have to stomach hearing about another horse’s purported accolades.

4. Ocho Ocho Ocho

Imagine if this horse is leading down the back stretch, screaming “Ocho Ocho Ocho!” That’s the picture I envision and that’s why this equine enters at four.

4. Ocho Ocho Ocho

Imagine if this horse is leading down the back stretch, screaming “Ocho Ocho Ocho!” That’s the picture I envision and that’s why this equine enters at four.

3. Keen Ice

This name just feels super hip and ironically the farthest thing from vanilla.

3. Keen Ice

This name just feels super hip and ironically the farthest thing from vanilla.

2. Mubtaahij

This name gets better and better each time you attempt to pronounce it. Three distinct syllables (I think), ultimately ending in an ‘eege’ sound (I think) and overall just a fun phonetic experience (I’m pretty sure).

2. Mubtaahij

This name gets better and better each time you attempt to pronounce it. Three distinct syllables (I think), ultimately ending in an ‘eege’ sound (I think) and overall just a fun phonetic experience (I’m pretty sure).

1. Ocean Knight

I get a Poseidon/Game of Thrones vibe from this name and it really shivers me timbers. It's a fusion I fear and respect, so what better honor could I give this horse with a show name?

1. Ocean Knight

I get a Poseidon/Game of Thrones vibe from this name and it really shivers me timbers. It's a fusion I fear and respect, so what better honor could I give this horse with a show name?