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Ever since God said “play ball” to humanity and inserted Eve alongside Adam at the top of the very first Opening Day lineup, we all know there’s been one key to victory for man. Hitting a home run by the end of the night is the ultimate goal for every man when he wakes up, puts on his uniform, readies for whatever his game day will bring, and walks across the line and onto the field of life.
As you can tell, common baseball terms can be used to describe just about anything and everything, but they’re a near perfect fit when it comes to describing sex and interactions between men and women. Every baseball term out there from the simplest, such as “hitting a single,” to the more complex, like the “suicide squeeze” (use your imagination) can be sexual innuendo.
It’s impossible to keep track of what each and every word and phrase of the baseball lexicon means, but thankfully and finally, there’s a book waiting on deck that will set everything straight and all in one place for once and for all.
“First Base and Beyond,” written by Richie Ridgewood and Scotch Holiday, is a witty baseball dictionary that defines the bases and expands the metaphor. This much needed guide begins by finally ending the debate about what reaching each base actually means and continues with detailed and creative definitions for over 250 (and counting) phrases and metaphors.
The book can be purchased right now for just $12 over on Kickstarter (Click HERE). A portion of the proceeds will go to Save-the-Tatas, a breast cancer research charity. For just a few extra dollars, you can have your copy of the book and a picture signed by drop dead gorgeous 2006 Playmate of the Year, Kara Monaco. Best spokeswoman ever? I think so.
Make sure to check out Monaco in the hilarious video below as she asks people both young and old for definitions of what each base means to them.
To give you a taste, Ridgewood and Holiday start at the basics by writing the rule book.
“Brushing up against a breast in the school hall doesn’t mean you made it to first, nor does brushing a mosquito off her backside,” Ridgewood and Holiday clearly lay out in what can be compared to the managers’ meeting with the umpires before the ladies take the field to play defense against men’s offensive advances.
Second base is defined as, “A bit of rubbing. A bit of touching. A bunch of kissing. (We’re talking a 25 second minimum. You better master unhooking her bra and your tongue better be tuckered.)” Third base and home are explained in even more depth, but you’ll have to get your hands on a copy to find out exactly what each of those extra base hits mean.
With all the possibilities and thousands of baseball terms, sayings and expressions out there, this truly is a never ending list. For example — “That rubber-armed left-handed specialist gave up a nubber into the hole” is a perfectly sensical baseball expression, so that should give you an idea of the endless amount of possibilities. Here’s Kara with a sampling of some of the definitions.
The book has yet to be published, so the authors are still giving everybody, yes even the last man on the bench, an opportunity to become a published author. Submissions can be made directly just by emailing [email protected], so if you can think you’ve come up with a genius definition for “pinching the middle” or “playing pepper,” make sure to send it over and contribute to this Cooperstown worthy production.
To contribute even further and be a real team player, you can walk up the steps and out of the dugout that is your parents’ basement, and head over to the Kickstarter campaign to help get the first pitch thrown out sooner.
We all know there’s plenty of honor in laying down a sacrifice bunt by talking to a No. 8 hitter so that your friend can sit on a pitch and drive one out of the park with that blonde All-Star cleanup hitter at the bar, so make sure to spread the word with your teammates and family because you won’t want to be left off the roster and watching from the bleachers on this one.
Be sure to check out www.firstbaseandbeyond.com for more.
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