Hey Mathews.

I’m actually glad you didn’t pick up. This will be easier to say over a voicemail. I’m not too good at the whole breakup thing.

You may be surprised at this call, but your performance on the football field is the main reason. You’ve heard of the phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”? Well, Hell also hath no fury like a fantasy owner scorned. Especially when I drafted you in three leagues in the 2nd and 3rd rounds. Maybe that’s my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken you in three leagues. Kinda like putting all your eggs in one basket, I know. But, that’s what you do in relationships. You give all of yourself to somebody in hopes that they won’t let you down.

Well, Ryan, you’ve officially let me down.

In one league, I am somehow 3-2 with you in my lineup, but you’ve netted a total of just 32 points in seven games, though you were hurt in one of those. That’s a measly 4.6 average. I took you 21st overall in the 3rd round. I figured, hey, why wait? I got a good shot here with a guy that should be one of the best running backs in fantasy football this year. Nope. Not even close.

In another league, I’m 1-5 with you in my lineup. It’s a PPR league where one reception is equal to one fantasy point, and you sit at 42 points total, or a 6.0 average. As a frame of reference, Darren McFadden got 45 points in Week 7 ALONE. You couldn’t even muster that in 7 weeks. Oh yeah, and McFadden was selected with the 93rd overall pick in the 8th round. I took you 17th overall in the 2nd round. Whoops.

In my third league, I’m a mediocre 3-3 with you starting. Averaging just 4.6 points a week, again. I took you 24th overall in the 2nd round. Figured hey, I should wait a little longer this time around. You’re the 50th best running back in that league’s scoring. 50th. Behind guys like Stefan Logan and Mike Goodson. Are you kidding me?? Half the fantasy football world doesn’t even know who these guys are!

It’s gotten so bad this season where I’m now at the point that I can’t even watch highlights of former Bears franchise stud Shane Matthews on YouTube anymore because of the mention of that last name, despite different spelling. What’s that? Why am I watching highlights of Shane Matthews, you ask? The question is, why the heck aren’t you?? The man is a living legend.

Anywho, back to you, Mr. Mathews. By the way, every time I say that, I still feel like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World.

Even if you earned a very modest 10 fantasy points a week, and never even climbed above 10, I’d have two more fantasy wins this year. Two. As in one less than the number of kids I would have been willing to have with you had you actually made good on your promise and potential.

I’m sorry, it’s just very emotional. Breakups are never easy. The funny thing is, I’m usually not this emotional about fantasy players. I can separate emotional attachment from a certain player or team. Derrek Lee is one of my all time favorite players and I dropped him without looking back in his sucky season of 2010. But Ryan, you just get at me to the core. It hurts, buddy. Yeah maybe I shouldn’t have drafted you with three fantasy teams. But maybe you should stop getting hurt, Mark Prior. Yeah, I went there.

I don’t want to hear any excuses about how you’re not getting enough carries or Mike Tolbert is stealing your goal-line touches. Don’t blame the San Diego Chargers for this. If you really cared, you wouldn’t let any of them get in the way of us. We could have been something special. Something championship-worthy. You could have won me three different league championships and I would have been the President of your fan club. I mean it, too.

But now, you’re nothing but another bench spot to me. Why don’t I drop you, you ask? Because like the Chicago Bears organization, I refuse to admit that much failure and cut ties with my Top 25 pick like that. Plus, any RB worth owning is already owned, so it wouldn’t do me any good. And then of course, you have that bad boy image where you show just enough potential that I think I can change you.

I’m not going to cut up all the photos we’re in together. I’m not crazy like that. Plus, there are none, but that’s irrelevant. But, dude, you can fix this. You can make this right, and we can make some great memories in the future. I don’t want you to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas on my bench. You’re better than that. So, just shape up, OK? We can do this, together. I want to celebrate more than the New Year come Dec. 31st. I want to celebrate three fantasy football championships. That is, if I can even make the playoffs after the hole you dug me in.

Alright, I’m going to hang up now before I get all angry again.

Gimme a call back if you want. Or not, whatever. Just score, man. And maybe rush for 100 yards one of these days.

Byeeeeeeeeee.