RON CHENOY – US PRESSWIRE
In honor of training camps across the NHL starting up in the next few days, I thought I’d have a little fun with my next post.
I’ve come up with the 2011-12 NHL All-Name Team, that is, the best (or worst) names who’ll play in the National Hockey League this season.
For the most part, I tried to stay away from the the sterotypical Russian Vladimirovic Pushgenitzkov. That’s a hilarious name to us North Americans – especially when we try and say it with a deep Russian accent – but they’re everywhere in the NHL. I could make an entire team of Russians with funny names, but I tried to do better than that.
Without further ado, here are your 2011-12 NHL All-Name All-Stars:
First Team
Left Wing - Alexander Semin, Washington Capitals – I know, I know, you all saw this one coming. But really, how could this guy not make the team? Probably the most mocked name in sports today, Semin (pronounced more like lemon) put up 28 goals and 54 points in 65 games with the Washington Capitals last year in the regular season before becoming a typical Washington no-show in the playoffs. The USSR native is currently on a one-year deal with the Capitals.
Center - John Madden, free agent – Can you imagine John Madden playing ice hockey? Actually, can you imagine John Madden playing anything? Fortunately, hockey fans have seen their own John Madden play since 1997 for the New Jersey Devils, Chicago Blackhawks and Minnesota Wild, sparing them from any wildly messed up fantasies involving the famous NFL head coach and TV announcer. Hockey’s Madden, 38, is a notable defensive forward looking for an invitation to any team’s training camp in the next few days.
Right Wing - Jordin Tootoo, Nashville Predators – I’m not quite sure which one’s worse: a hockey player with the last name “Tootoo” or an MLB pitcher named Homer (Bailey). The 28-year-old has played for the Predators since 2003, racking up 40 goals, 95 points and 633 penalty minutes in 409 games. Tootoo, the first NHL player of Inuit descent, completed the NHL’s Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health Program in 2010 for an alcohol problem. His last name may be the outfit of a ballerina, but he’s no lightweight. Oh, want to guess what number wears?
Defense - Grant Clitsome, Columbus Blue Jackets – L.O.L. Can you imagine the endless days of harassment this guy suffered as a kid? Seriously. Imagine every kid in your middle school yelling “Get some, Clitsome!”and other way more profane and sexual stuff I can’t write here. I mean, he may be the only guy in the world whose last name begins with that word. It’s not even like it starts with a ‘K’ or has a ‘y’ so it could possibly be pronounced with the long ‘I’ sound to save the kid at least a little embarrassment. Nope. Literally, letter for letter. If this guy were still alive, I’d suggest Grant sit and chat with 1920′s Russian poet Konstantin Vaginov on how to handle life.
Defense - Johnny Oduya, Winnipeg Jets – Quite possibly the only man in professional sports whose last name is a sentence. Pronounced exactly like the phrase “Oh, do ya?” without the comma. How great is that? “I drafted Johnny Oduya in the 25th round of my fantasy hockey draft last night. I like his upside.” “Oh, do ya?” “Yea, defenseman for the Jets. I think I got a sleeper.” “Oh, do ya?” “YES! The guy from Sweden. I think he’ll put up 35 points this year.” “Oh, do ya?” This goes on for days.
Oduya, 29, was drafted by the Washington Capitals in the seventh round of the 2001 NHL Entry draft. He made his NHL debut with the New Jersey Devils, where he spent 3.5 seasons before being dealt to Atlanta in the Ilya Kovalchuk trade. He’s got 20 goals and 96 points in 382 career NHL games.
Goaltender - Nikolai Khabibulin, Edmonton Oilers – Try and pronounce this guy’s last name. If you’re not a hockey fan, odds are what’s coming out of your mouth right now sounds something like “cab-bab-balloon.” Try “Hob-bee-boo-lin,” AKA the Bulin Wall. Khabibulin was taken in the sixth round of the 1992 draft by the original Winnipeg Jets. Nearly 20 years and five teams later, he’s battling seemingly non-stop injuries as the backstop for a very young Oilers squad. The 38-year-old has enjoyed a good amount of success in his career, including a Stanley Cup with the Tampa Bay Lightning in 2004, four NHL All-Star selections, and two Olympic medals (gold and bronze).
Second Team
Left Wing - Guillaume Latendresse, Minnesota Wild – The 24-year-old is primarily a right wing, but I’ve shifted him to the left side since apparently there are way more right wingers with funny names. His name sounds way too close to “Let’s undress” to be left off the list.
CAREER STATS: 76 goals, 128 points, 298 games
Center - Vernon Fiddler, Dallas Stars – Fiddler, 31, has spent time with the Nashville Predators, Phoenix Coyotes and will now play for the Dallas Stars.
CAREER STATS: 59 goals, 145 points, 452 games
Right Wing - Maxim Afinogenov, SKA St. Petersburg (KHL) – Afinogenov won’t be playing in the NHL this season which technically disqualifies him from this team, but his name – and a story I’ve got – is too good to leave off. The 32-year-old spent nine seasons with the NHL’s Buffalo Sabres before spending a season with the Atlanta Thrashers in 2009-10.
As for the story, I was messing around with some friends riding the trolley down to a Pirate (MLB) game once, and we started forming sentences using the names of Penguins players, i.e. “Darn it! You Gon-char’d (gone charred) the cheeseburgers!” and “Pick him Or-pik (or pick) her.” We eventually extended the game to other hockey players. We came up with the hardest name we could think of – Afinogenov – and dared someone to make a sentence out of it, thinking it was downright impossible. After a long while and a few fried brains, needless to say, one friend came up with this absolute gem: “I saw A-fin-o-gen-ov the shore,” read as “I saw a fin again off the shore.” Absolute genius.
CAREER STATS: 158 goals, 395 points, 651 games
Defense - Clayton Stoner, Minnesota Wild – The 26-year-old left-handed defenseman was drafted 79th overall by the Wild in 2004 and made his NHL debut during the 2009-10 season.
CAREER STATS: 2 goals, 11 points, 65 games
Defense - Michal Jordan, Charlotte Checkers (AHL) – Again, can you imagine MJ playing ice hockey? This Czech native’s name is one letter short of the greatest basketball player in history. Jordan’s hockey potential isn’t quite that high, though he was drafted in the fourth round of the 2008 NHL Entry Draft by the Carolina Hurricanes.
CAREER STATS (AHL): 4 goals, 18 points, 67 games
Goaltender - Antero Niitymaki, San Jose Sharks – Probably could have done better with this one, so I’ll be reading comments and taking suggestions to remove Niitymaki from the list. It’s still a funny name, but I have to feel there’s a goaltender out there with a funnier one.
CAREER STATS: 95-86-31, 2.95 GAA, .902 SV%
Honorable Mentions: Kevin Shattenkirk, Jeff Finger, Tyler Ennis (TEnnis), Jonathan Cheechoo, Carlo Colaiacovo, Brad Boyes, Anaheim Ducks first line: Corey Perry/Bobby Ryan/Ryan Getzlaf: 5 of 6 first names.
I don’t get the Perry, Getzlaf, and Ryan one. John Madden was a lineman for the Eagles he didn’t make it out of camp though he said he got hurt.
RE Ducks line: There are a total of six names on that line (three players, each has one first name and one last name). Of those six, five are actually first names (Corey, Perry, Bobby, Ryan, Ryan).
And I was referring to the real John Madden, who’s currently in the Hall of Fame, but ok.
yeah the HoF annoucer played lineman at one point
Gotcha, good call.