Kobe Bryant and wife Vanessa Bryant may make a great team off the court, but what about where it counts:
the bedroom?

Today, we’re going to take a look at the black mamba and his blushing bride in the things that really matter.
Looks, money, status, security, the goods, and most importantly would you wife or husband that piece?

Both male and female perspective will be given! Courtesy of Nir Regev and Kaylin Bean. We’re fair and balanced around these parts.

Attractiveness

Nir Regev

Kobe Bryant

The black mamba is man of class and stature. He’s the Ryan Reynolds of basketball, polarizing and arrogant at first, yet: comfortable. He grows on you like a beard on an Occupy Wallstreet Protester. You almost look forward to another edition of prime time TNT’s Christmas funfest featuring Kobe’s Lakers Vs Flavor of the Month.

The man has dignity. He certainly is not prancing around with no Anthony Davis style unibrows.  Kobe is out there trying to get records, Wilt’s in particular. That comes with Armani suits and a penchant for cheap low-class blondes, scotch,  and the musky stench of Michael Jordan’s old game worn jersey’s as a backup plan when all else fails. “Yes I’m Michael Jordan, I look a little different in person”. Be like Mike is the name of the game.

Kobe is practically an Oxford graduate compared to the Lincoln Tech/Gibbs College collaborative over on TNT who would be rotating shelves at your local Shop Rite or Publix if it wasn’t for the game of basketball. Kobe talks about the game in a seductive and passionate matter, the one time he was over on TNT at halftime talking about “Manu Ginobili creating havoc on the floor by going to his left over his defenders” was the most Shakespearean style thought to ever grace the entire program. Kobe is a true thespian, and let’s not forget the man speaks Italian, the language of romance. You can bet your 24 Laker Jersey that stuff works wonders, that’s what got Steve Nash to come on board.

Steve Nash-Kobe Bryant Phone Conversation:

“Come to the Lakers” – Kobe

“Sorry, Kobe. I’m just not that type of player, I wanna play for my home town not be some bandwagoner. I hope you understand” – Nash

“Giocare per i Lakers” – Kobe

“I’m not sure what that meant. Or why I’m suddenly feeling what I’m feeling now. I’ll have my papers over Mitch Kupchak office tomorrow.” – Nash

 

Vanessa Bryant

She’s got curves in all the right places, and was a total dime in her youth as a dancer in obscure rap videos. Kobe doesn’t just go out and look for any girl out of his local Chipotle’s, he looks for quality. That’s what he found in Vanessa, a beautiful latina ready to take on the sexual appetite of  a man looking to chuck all day every day and start a family.

The fact she didn’t go for Karl Malone’s song and dance shows she’s a woman of class, she doesn’t just go for any black mamba in sight. Vanessa stayed with her man even in the rough times, further adding to her sophistication and understanding of what it takes to keep a man happy. Sure. Kobe might have strayed here and there but at the end of the day she knows who’s really in his heart. Vanessa takes care of the kids and knows Mamba’s word is law, except when the real law becomes involved.

The best part is she’s aging gracefully, and you never really hear about a bad side of her. Well a ruined Gasol marriage here and there but hey, no body’s perfect. Plus at the time the Lakers wanted to trade Pau anyways, so like no biggie. Mmmmkay. It’s probably not a coincidence Odom married a Kardashian and then was promptly thrown away for the lowest bidder. The Lakers are a one woman team, this isn’t Doug Christies house. Vanessa Bryant is running ish on the Lakers, and she’d like to keep it that way. She’s an assertive woman, but still submits to the word of the almighty Mamba. The woman is clearly a keeper.

 

Kaylin Bean

Kobe Bryant

Kobe is hot. He’s well kept and well dressed. That man looks fine in a suit and there isn’t a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon alive that could craft those cheekbones. Although, sometimes he’s choice of facial hair can be described as the “1970’s porn star” look.

Kobe’s intelligence is dead sexy. He’s a smart guy who benefited from a cultured childhood in Europe. Bryant speaks Italian fluently. He probably knows a lot about wines and cheeses and stuff like that. Intelligence, drive, and success are the equivalence of beauty for females.

 

Vanessa Bryant

Vanessa is definitely the hottest Kardashian by a Usain Bolt mile. She’s gorgeous. And very, very, very scary.

Vanessa’s paparazzi pictures at the 2012 London Olympics, without a doubt inspired McKayla Maroney’s now famous “not impressed face.”

Vanessa has a history of wearing the weirdest stuff to Lakers games. Including tutu’s and hats made out of exotic and endangered species. Recently though, it looks like she hired a stylist or just spends more on clothes out of anger now.

 

Status

Nir Regev

Kobe Bryant

There is no question to Kobe Bryant’s status. In the L.A area, he might is well be deemed his holiness of the vatican Staples center and he’s treated like a demi-God in the East. China literally foams at the mouth in time Kobe steps off the plane for another good-old American chuckathon. Marrying Kobe Bryant is like marrying into the Royal family of basketball. Every girl wants to be Kate Middleton. It’s too hard to give up the prestige of being the first lady of basketball as Mrs. Bryant. Everyone wants to be your friend, to invite you the biggest parties, to lavish you with gifts and trinkets. All to say they had a chance to meet the one mamba deemed worthy.

 

Vanessa Bryant

Mrs. Bryant has earned that right by sticking through thick and thin behind her husband’s various shenanigans. You know that with Vanessa you’re getting two kids in the package but hey, Vanessa has obtained some milage on her over the years. She is the queen of basketball and every basketball stat PER nerd and university jock in sight would be enamored with the idea of obtaining her.

 

Kaylin Bean

Kobe Bryant

Kobe is one of the greatest basketball players ever. He’s the most popular basketball player in China and a cultural icon over here, not in China. You aren’t going to find guys like him on Plenty of Fish or eHarmony. As far as status goes, he’s an elite that you snatch up on the night you decide to splurge and go to the fancy club.

 

Vanessa Bryant

Vanessa is the queen bee of all the basketball wives. Rumors that she didn’t like Khloe Kardashian came and went and so did she. Now, Khloe and her crew are going to be sitting courtside at Clippers games pissing off Clippers wives instead of her. It turned out well though, Sister Kim has a whole new team to marry and divorce.

 

Finance and Income

Nir Regev

Kobe Bryant

You marry a Kobe and you are in the bank! This fine lad has millions, and you will get half… Of what’s left over after he gives half to Vanessa. But a deal is a deal. Kobe rakes in the goods, except one off year in 2004, the man has been rolling in sponsors from Adidas to McDonalds, all over the globe. He’s a safe bet, you’re not going to be hearing any last shot antics in Puerto Rican leagues or bankruptcy like other Antoine Walker-esque ballers. This man is set, and he’s still got a couple of endorsements left in him before the big retirement comes. Don’t forget Kobe recently bought himself a Ferrari, a Ferrari you’ll be auctioning off during the settlement. When it comes to income, Kobe might as well be Capital Bank. Ka-Chinggg!!

 

Vanessa Bryant

The next best thing. It’s almost like marrying the real thing! You’ll get half of everything Kobe makes regardless, plus monthly alimony and access to several mansions and sports cars. Pretty much set for life. Not to mention all the interviews, reality shows, and opportunities newly accessible. Everybody will want to pay to hear what Kobe’s like, tabloid’s will eat up any quote you give, even if out of context. Ka-Chinnggggg!!!

 

Kaylin Bean

Kobe Bryant

Kobe endorses everything that wasn’t already snagged up by Blake Griffin and Michael Jordan. Kobe is rich but Vanessa owns half of that. So, basically they’re both equally rich.

 

 Vanessa Bryant

Answering a Craigslist ad for video girls was definitely the best thing Vanessa ever did. 13 short years later, Vanessa is the richest video girl in the history of female music video performers.

She could increase her net worth by writing a “how to/tell all book” for all the other 17-year-old high school drop outs/dancers with dreams of finding economic security with a future NBA All-Star (make sure to thank me when you’re the best selling author of all time Vanessa. Or just dedicate the book to me, whatever you prefer).

 

Security

Nir Regev

Kobe Bryant

When you got ole’ Jerry Buss on your side, anything goes. The cappy cap of Los Angeles Lakers. He owns the team, and he’s listening to Kobe, whether it’s trading Shaq or shipping Bynum out. Kobe supplies almost the entire cashflow to the franchise, that’s a gift only successful chucking can produce. Be secure in taking the chopper any time to the Staples Center, sitting in the front rows of the best events, which coincidentally happen to be where your husband works, and the best things money can offer. Plus no matter what Kobe does on long nights out of state, or overseas he still loves his wife and kids most of all. Black mamba always comes home, and he eats first.

Vanessa Bryant

Mrs. Bryant, is sticking around, sure she might dangle a pesky divorce here and there but at the end of the day she knows what Kobe Bryant means to her. He’s winning championships, and is loved by the whole city no matter what happens off the court. Kobe is the key to her family, he brings the rings, the bacon, and the whole black mamba. Further, Kobe can remain in a serene state knowing that his family has his back and his life partner remains a faithful wife and proud mother of two. That’s the kind of surroundings Kobe needs to get himself into a proper state of chucking.

 

Kaylin Bean

Kobe Bryant

Kobe seems to be devoted dad. He asked for joint-custody in his “on and off again” divorce. The Bryant children are normally at games and Kobe often rushes into the Lakers tunnel to greet them after a game. Although, if he ends up with joint-custody, he will need to buy a car with a backseat or have one installed in his three hundred thousand dollar Ferrari.  Maybe he can strike up a deal to endorse a family-sized sports car? As a husband, well… Yeah… Vanessa wins. #EnoughSaid

 

Vanessa Bryant

Vanessa is definitely a great mom and a great wife. Most women (without a pre-nup) wouldn’t have stuck around through everything that she has. However, if the Lakers don’t win another NBA championship soon, Vanessa and Kobe might be a thing of the past.

Vanessa might not shooting hoops in the gym, but she’s probably standing there along side Kobe making sure he makes those shots. Vanessa demands someone who can win championships “every year” or else, don’t you even think about leaving your family to go on the road to fulfill the requirements of your $20 million plus contract.

Vanessa is a 100% full-time parent. She’s a world-class baby mama. Vanessa recently told New York Magazine that she doesn’t have a nanny and is raising those kids up herself. Props.

Vanessa has had many outs. Like, when her husband was shirtless in a club with other women in Europe, while she’s was at home with his kids. He won a gold medal so maybe that made up for it? As far as security goes, she could be Obama’s bodyguard because she’s definitely as secure as they come.

 

Would Husband

Nir Regev

That boyish chucking charm, that global fame, half of everything he owns and the keys to the city of Los Angeles? Any girl would be happy with the man they call Black Mamba.

Kaylin Bean

Meh… Probably not as the “final — have kids and grow old together –” husband but for like the first or second marriage, why not? Guys like Kobe are what your 20s are for.

 

Would Wife

Kaylin Bean

When I started this article, I didn’t think that I would be into marrying Vanessa but I convinced myself with my logical and analytical reasoning. I think that everyone reaches the point where they’re just plain terrified of their spouse. So maybe if you start there, the heart grows founder?

Nir Regev

She’s a hot sizzling Latina with half of everything that Kobe owns for the rest of her life. Plus any Kobe fan would love to obtain any and all pieces of his memorabilia, wife and kids included. Would wife and not prenup, to obtain third of what Kobe makes. U mad?

 

Till next time I’m Nir Regev, RantSports resident Standup Comedian.
See more of my work at: BSPN, BroScience.org, HecklerSpray, and on Youtube.