Baltimore Ravens Getting Roasted, Comedy Style

Ron Chenoy-USA Today Sports

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m the ultimate optimist for my favorite team, the Baltimore Ravens. Some may even say I’m a complete shill for them and that’s fair. Well no more Mr. Nice Guy. Consider this my own version of a Comedy Central Roast of the Ravens, except I’m the only roaster. Now sit back and get comfy, because I’m about to blast the living hell out of my own team.

How about that Joe Flacco? He’s been able to parlay five inconsistent seasons into a $120 million contract. Take a bow, Joe. You would fit in great in one of those Oceans 11 movies. Oh wait, you have the personality of a block of wood. He should be called ‘The Wizard of Uhs”. Things should be great for Flacco this season if 33 year-old LT Bryant McKinnie can stay healthy all year. Luckily he’s great at keeping himself conditioned (that’s a joke people). But even if Flacco is under duress then he has a crew of receivers to throw to that should give defensive backs nightmares. Guys like Tandon Doss, Visanthe Schiancoe, and Deonte Thompson are sure to cause many sleepless nights for opposing defensive coordinators. Let us not forget dancing one trick pony Jacoby Jones; he’ll make a great No. 2 receiver with his hands of stone and not coming back to the ball. New additions Brandon Stokley and Dallas Clark will be very productive as long as they have their daily Geritol on the rocks.

How about the defense you ask? Well for one Ray Lewis won’t be around to “touch” anybody so they can score like he did for Jacoby in the Super Bowl. Yes it will be a big void not having someone scream and yell incoherently before games, oh wait, Terrell Suggs is still around. Homeless looking man Ed Reed is also gone, which will leave a huge void for a safety that can’t tackle anymore. Reed will be replaced by superstar Michael Huff formerly of the Oakland Raiders. I could make a joke about the Raiders, but that would be too easy. Huff can tackle, and he’ll show that he can with all the long passes he’ll give up this year. I can almost hear the inbred people that sit behind me at M&T Bank Stadium now ”Der Huff sucks he dun ran the wrong route”. How about that Jimmy Smith? According to former Ravens receiver turned announcer Qadry Ismail, Smith is one of the premier corners in the league. I agree, he’s a premier corner at getting beat by every receiver he covers, unless he gets away with a holding call.

So how was that? Didn’t think I had it in me, huh? In all seriousness though, I love the Ravens no matter what, which is probably why this is the most fun I’ve had writing any particular article in a while. Hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it; just don’t take it too seriously.

Dan Abeshouse is a Baltimore Ravens Writer for Rant Sports. Follow him on Twitter @Danabeshouse82, Like him on Facebook and add him to your network on Google