Soccer Premier League

New Year’s Day Premier League Spoilers

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By @potts93

New Year's Day Soccer Spoilers

Everton Hull City
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New Year's Day is one of the best Premier League days of the year. Every team will play. One early game, one late game and eight traditional kick offs. For those of you who love flicking to the end of Harry Potter books to see who dies (nope, not me...) this is for you. And for those who accidentally read the episode descriptions on the back of Prison Break DVD boxes (again, not me...) here's what will happen in every single game.

10. Stoke City vs. Manchester United

Manchester United Stoke City
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10. Stoke City vs. Manchester United

Manchester United Stoke City
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The early kick off sees Stoke host a resurgent Manchester United. Bojan will miss the game through injury, but a technically-deficient Jon Walters will strangely cause problems for an improved, yet not entirely airtight United defense. Walters will score, but Robin van Persie and Wayne Rooney will extend their streaks to hit back and win the game.

9. Tottenham vs. Chelsea

Chelsea Tottenham Hotspur
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9. Tottenham vs. Chelsea

Chelsea Tottenham Hotspur
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For a brief spell, United will be just seven points away from Chelsea at the top of the table and people will prematurely crown them champions. All hail King Louis van Gaal. Chelsea will slip up against Spurs in the late game as Harry Kane scores another last-minute winner.

8. Manchester City vs. Sunderland

Sunderland Manchester City
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8. Manchester City vs. Sunderland

Sunderland Manchester City
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United fans would've been sent wild at the thought of forcing their way into a title-race, but those celebrations will never happen because their striker-less neighbors City will have already systematically plucked Sunderland apart 3-1. Lee Cattermole will score the consolation for a resilient, yet quality-lacking Sunderland side and be yellow-carded for daring to produce a moment of brilliance, just because he's Lee Cattermole.

7. Aston Villa vs. Crystal Palace

Crystal Palace Aston Villa
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7. Aston Villa vs. Crystal Palace

Crystal Palace Aston Villa
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Defeat for Sunderland will prick up the ears of the relegation battlers below. Alan Pardew will be sitting in the stands to watch his probable new side Crystal Palace fire blanks in a goalless draw at Villa Park where Aston Villa's greatest hope of scoring a goal will come during the warm-ups.

6. Newcastle vs. Burnley

Burnley Newcastle United
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6. Newcastle vs. Burnley

Burnley Newcastle United
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Newcastle fans will be delighted at Pardew's absence. Assistant boss John Carver will ingeniously mastermind a 1-0 win over Burnley with a triple-deflected shot bobbling in off Ayoze Perez' nose. Carver will be hoisted into the crowd wearing a white robe and a crown of pure gold. From there he will be carried through the city center as roses are launched in his direction, before the entire moment is captured in the form of a cast-iron statue.

5. Hull vs. Everton

Hull Leicester City
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5. Hull vs. Everton

Hull Everton
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Hull boss Steve Bruce will realize that his half-cooked attempt at mind games has gone horribly wrong, after declaring himself not interested in the manager's job at his boyhood club. A teary-eyed Steve will take out his fury on the Hull players before they face Everton. The Toffees usually start each season off sluggishly, however, Roberto Martinez will flick the 'form' switch from 'off' to 'on', and Romelu Lukaku will fire Everton to a 2-0 win.

4. Liverpool vs. Leicester

Liverpool Swansea City
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4. Liverpool vs. Leicester

Liverpool Swansea City
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Leicester City's win over Hull will have boosted confidence ahead of a trip to Liverpool. Unfortunately, the buzz will be short-lived and the Reds will eventually realize that they're basically the same team that finished second last season. They'll put down their post-Suarez break-up CDs and stop feeling sorry for themselves. Mario Balotelli will spearhead a 3-0 riot, with Jordan Henderson and Martin Skrtel also scoring, for no apparent reason.

3. QPR vs. Swansea

Swansea Queens Park Rangers
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3. QPR vs. Swansea

Swansea Queens Park Rangers
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Swansea, fresh from a Liverpool beating, will lose to QPR after Harry Redknapp realizes the transfer window is about to open and instantly throws in a £90 million bid to purchase the entire Swansea team. The unsettled Swans crumble to a 1-0 defeat. Joey Barton will score the crucial goal, then sprint to the sidelines immediately to use Twitter and tell us how great it was, as well as to philosophically analyze British politics.

2. Southampton vs. Arsenal

Arsenal Southampton
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2. Southampton vs. Arsenal

Arsenal Southampton
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Arsene Wenger will feel that Redknapp's transfer policy effectively cancels out his own philosophy of 'we need players, but I will not buy any'. Arsenal fans will descend into rage as their manager calmly outlines plans not to buy a defensive midfielder for another nine years, before they engage in a thrilling 2-2 draw with Southampton who face a team full of their own academy graduates.

1. West Ham vs. West Brom

West Brom West Ham
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1. West Ham vs. West Brom

West Brom West Ham
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Finally, West Brom head to London to face West Ham in a geographically charged encounter. West Brom will almost miss kick off after their team bus heads to west London as opposed to east London where West Ham are actually located (try working that one out). West Ham will take the lead through Stewart Downing. With minutes to go, Graham Dorrans equalizes to prove that West Brom are a strong, independent football team that don't need no man(ager).

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