Making a Mockery of 2012 NFL Mock Drafts
It’s Draft day in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, people. Cut the crap, strap on some pads you bought for your kid at Academy, gear up for Chris Berman cliches and grab a brew unless you’ve got lady parts and prefer vodka.
There’s an order to things in professional football and it’s instilled on draft night. Most important night of a man’s life. Forget wives, kids and all that emotional mumbo jumbo and know that your new family cares about you for one reason: winning. They won’t defend you if you claim concussion, won’t think twice about cutting you if your production drops and frankly, only require your services until a 1st round pick is drafted at your position or you’re a bounty whistleblower. But by God son, you love this game and we want you to play it for us. Ask for more money than you deserve and we’ll bash your knees in.
Onto the festivities and the ten men who will walk onto the stage early tonight in New York City, shake Herr Roger’s hand and throw on a hat of a team that’s ready to make you spend 100 hours a week dissecting opposing defenses like they’re an invading country.
1. Indianapolis Colts: Probably a Quarterback
Peyton Manning’s penchant for dropping it like it’s hot in the locker room finally caught up to him and his neck. Andrew Luck only dances the waltz.
2. Washington Redskins: The Heisman Trophy
Daniel Snyder traded future first rounder’s for a trophy. It’s the only way he’ll actually get to hold one.
3. Minnesota Vikings: PASS
Self-explanatory.
4. Cleveland Browns: Jordan Shipley
“Help me Obi-Wan Shipley, you’re my only hope.” – Colt McCoy
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Schiano’s a Jersey guy. Walk the plank at Raymond James if you don’t like the Boss.
6. St. Louis Rams: Cortland Finnegan
Because no one embodies the mediocrity and undeserved publicity of Jeff Fisher like the corner selected.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars: Matt Barkley
Let’s just go ahead and get that Los Angeles thing out of the way early so everyone can go about their business.
8. Miami Dolphins: The first halves of Texas A&M games in 2011
This is an actual pick assuming Ryan Tannehill comes off the board in this spot.
9. Carolina Panthers: a majority share of the Charlotte Bobcats
“Starting at right guard for the Panthers in 2012 as payment for embarrassing the city of Charlotte, a ballooning Miiiiiiichael Jooooordan.”
10. Buffalo Bills: A re-do on Ryan Fitzpatrick‘s contract
Seriously, is that possible? Are they allowed to act like it never happened? He went to Harvard, guy’s got to have other career prospects.
—
Every red-blooded American with a jealous memory of a coach who didn’t put him in or a pass he shouldn’t have dropped will watch tonight in anxious anticipation of picks made available on Twitter before they’re announced. It’s a spring rite of passage. Technology and touchdowns and 22 year-old’s who already busted, why are they even still playing this game?
But the best part, like many things in life, is talking about the event leading up to it rather than the event itself.
So mock away.
It’s fun, it’s not work and it’s football.
U-S-A!
